the ugliest word I've ever heard

it was right after tiago had been born...and i was both exhausted and on cloud 9. i vaguely remember my sister b telling me that my mom thought she had a bug bite on her back. b checked it for her and said she didnt see anything but that she definitely felt a bump. it was the day before thanksgiving and my mom had found 2 more bumps right in the middle of her abdomen. she called the dr and got an appt that day. her dr decided to make an appt for the monday after to do a biopsy on the larger bump on her back. so she did that on monday and by that time she had about 9 all over her torso. we waited and waited and waited for the results.

december 7, 2011 is a day i will never forget. it was like a day in history. when you remember exactly where you were and what you were doing when you hear any horrible news. i was late to work (punctuality has never been my strong point) and when i pulled up to the office i saw that only b's car was there, which i thought was weird. my mom always got to work before me. so when i walked in, carrying my whole house and home practically, i was surprised to see my mom sitting at her desk. i immediately asked her where her car was and she so calmy replied that my dad had brought her to work that day. i knew right away what she was going to say, yet i still asked why. and she said that her dr had called and told her that she in fact had CANCER. such an ugly word. lymphoma cancer. something i didnt know much about. of course its only human to automatically think the worst.  i started crying uncontrollably. asking why she hadnt called me at home. and of course she was thinking of me and didnt want to tell me over the phone when i was home alone with my small children. i cried that day, more than i have ever cried before. i was scared. i couldn not imagine something happening to my mom. i could not imagine her not being there to watch my kids grow up. i could not imagine my dad not having her. i couldnt imagine this world with her not in it.

hanging out and kicking cancers ass!

i decided right away that i wanted to be at every dr appt. and i have been. and at every chemo. i like knowing what is going on. i like to hear it for myself. i didnt want my parents to sugar coat it for us. at her first appt the dr could feel lumps all over her body. places that my mom hadnt found them yet. that scared all of us.

dr appointments became a family event some days

on our way home after getting her "day after chemo" shot

waiting to have blood drawn

she started chemo on december 29th. and on january 1st we celebrated cristianos 3rd birthday. my mom couldnt make it. that was the first time i really realized that things were different. it was hard for me to be celebrating such a joyous day when inside all of us were so sad.

january 2012

my parents have been married for 38 yrs. they were the kind of parents that didnt fight in front of us. i have always known that they've loved each other, but this sickness has made it more apparent than ever before. my dad became the bodyguard. i could see on a daily basis that this was also taking a toll on him. i vividly remember the first time her numbers crashed and she was at risk for getting sick. i called my dad and we cried on the phone for a while. and before we hung up he told me "we have to be strong xandra. mommy need us to be strong. we pray. and have faith she be ok." i think i cried even more when we hung up just because of what he said.

april 2012

 the love that i have seen between my mom and her mom has changed my whole outlook on life. my grandma turned 85 this january. and it amazes me how she has had to watch her daughter go thru all of this and continues to be so strong. my grandma lives on my parents property, she has made it a point to make my mom breakfast and lunch everyday. and on the nights that us girls have not made her dinner, my nana has been there making meals. she has never missed a chemo treatment, and tries to make them as enjoyable as possible. she shows up there every 3 weeks with her huge scrabble box and sets it up for them to play. she was actually the first person that my mom had told. when my mom got the dreadful phone call on december 7th she was home alone. she knew my grandma was home and would be there the quickest. i later heard that she came over immediately and my mom laid on her lap and cried. this relationship has showed me that no matter how old your baby gets, they will always be your baby.

just another day at chemo playing scrabble. my mom, her best friend, and my nana!

the day came that we all knew was coming...her hair started to fall out. one of my best friends is also fighting the fight against cancer and i remember shaving her head. and her saying it was easier seeing little hair fall out than her normal long hair. so i suggested to my mom that we buzz hers before she just had strings left. so on january 16 my mom and i shut the door to my little salon room at our office and i cut her hair. we had fun. she had a mullet and then i did a cul-de-sac old man cut. it was fun. there were no tears. it was also encouraging for her i think, that my brother paul, my husband luis, my cousin jake, and my brother in law brian, all shaved their heads. it was such a showing of support. she has hated the wig since day 1 and has decided not to wear it. she rocks her scarfs and little hats every day. she has you-tubed videos on new ways to tie her scarfs etc. i think she looks more beautiful than ever. she even sports the bald head at home too. she was worried about our kids being nervous seeing her bald. they could have cared less. they just told her that she looked like my dad now! lol.

my gorgeous bald mom

my mom and my brother sporting the same hair

luis showing his support for his sogra

between her 2nd and 3rd treatment she had a PET scan. when she went to her regular appt before her chemo, her dr told her that when they had found the cancer it was already stage 4.she showed her a copy and told her that whatever was black was cancer. and the entire thing was covered. and she then showed her the results of her PET scan and said whatever is black is cancer. and there was no black on that scan. we of course all broke down as soon as we heard the news. this was such amazing news. she still wanted my mom to finish all of her treatments. she still had the disease but all of her lumps were gone. it was safest to finish what they had originally planned. which was 6 chemo treatments total. 1 every 3 weeks.

myself, my mom, and my sister angela...last day of chemo!!!

today i sat there with my mom as she had her last (hopefully ever) chemo. when i got in the car i cried like a baby. i am so happy for her. it is a miracle in my eyes. how can things like this happen and people still wonder if there is a God?!

the amazing support from our friends and family with emails, texts, phone calls, cards and prayers has almost been overwhelming! i could not thank everyone enough for all of that. i truly believe that this had something to do with my moms great outcome. we always joke that we are ok with it until someone says something nice. even the littlest words like "i am praying for your mom" or "ive been thinking about you guys and hope all is going well". the people you surround yourself with really does make a difference!
this ugly word CANCER has taught me so many things. cristiano prays now every single night. to keep us all safe and let us all be healthy again. when i told him his avo was better and didnt have to take that medicine that makes her hair fall out anymore, he asked if it was because he prayed for her. i was so happy to hear him say this. i simply said yes. even on days that seem like nothing goes right, i thank God. that i have been given this day, and that my mom is still here with us. there have been hard days. its hard to explain to the kids why they cant see avo because their nose is running and they are coughing. its hard to see my mom weak and want to sleep all the time. its hard to see my dad watch the love of his life go thru this. but good Lord, its almost over. she will probably get sick from todays chemo, but in a few weeks we should be well on our way to having our normal mom back. i can hardly wait for that.

Easter sunday. how beautiful is she?!?

cristiano with his avo

Does a childs entrance into this world determine what his/hers attitudes will be?!

When i think about the births of my boys i wonder...does a childs entrance into this world already show what kind of person they are going to be? here are the scary, exciting, outrageous and amazing stories of my sons coming into this world. you tell me what you think...
i was 9 months pregnant and definitely OVER it all. i was gigantic and so uncomfortable! Cristiano was due on december 31, 2008 and my great dr. said that if i made it past christmas he would induce me on the 26th. ummm that was my birthday. and thats exactly what i told him. and he said "hey do you want to do this or not?" so of course i said yes. i was to be at the hospital on the 26th at 2:00 in the afternoon. my wonderful mommy made me a birthday breakfast before i had to head there. the car ride was about 45 minutes to the hospital. and about 30 minutes into the drive i realized that this baby was going to have to come out. i was terrified. i got checked in and they induced my labor. my real labor started at 9:00 that night. i thought i was going to try to be tough and hold out with no drugs for as long as i could (crazy i know). and so finally at 4:00 a.m. i gave in and got the epidural. it was amazing. but of course slowed things down. at 5:00 p.m. i finally started pushing. and i pushed and pushed and pushed. for 3 hours to be exact. and then at 8:00 my dr said that it looked like cristiano was not going to be delivered naturally. i was scared SHITLESS! c-section here i come! they cut my epidural and i thought at this point that i was going to die.the nurse told me i had to stop pushing, but as all mothers know, that is naturally what your body just does. i remember telling her "look lady i feel like a watermelon is coming out of my whowha...ive GOT to push!!!". lol. like it was that bad?! i was crying so bad that i had my dad in tears. they got me ready for surgery and told me i had to pick one person to go with me. i was so sad that my mom couldnt be there for the birth of my first baby. i remember laying flat on my back on the operating table and getting nauseous from the meds. i was screaming for someone to roll me on my side. shit show party of one! they finally let luis in there and he sat next to me. after 24 hours of labor, and 3 hours of pushing, at 9:10 p.m. on december 27, 2008 cristiano filipe silveira goncalves was born. weighing in at 8lbs 2oz. he was breathing very lightly and it scared us! the nurse kept shaking him and i kept asking if he was ok. she kinda snapped at me and said "THIS IS MY JOB!" i at that point let that bitch know how lucky she was that i couldnt get off the table.they took cristiano to the NICU while i was in recovery. and finally 2 hours after he was born i held my baby for the first time. the best day of my life until that point. the recovery was hard but i had a ton of help from my mom, and my inlaws (who were here for 5 weeks from portugal). as an infant cristiano was such an easy baby. he would just lay there and be so happy. i could get anything done with him. from 3 months on he sleeps about 12 hours a night. even to this day. ive been blessed with a sleeper for sure!

cristiano the day after he was born

my brother in law, luis, and i on christmas day. 2 days before i had cristiano

me 2 days before i gave birth to tiago

and then there was tiagos birth. he was a planned c section of course. due date november 25, 2011 and c-section scheduled for 5:30 a.m. on november 18, 2011. i was ready. i had things planned down to my nail and hair appts the week before. so when i got home on november 8th at 4:30 p.m. and was getting ready for my nephews birthday party i was very surprised to feel these sharp pains. me being me...i put makeup on and did my hair. cause i really thought i was in labor. i called my dr and the receptionist said it sounded like normal stretching pains and they would see me at my appt the next day. i called and told luis that i thought i was in labor, and he was already on his way home. and then of course i called my mom and her exact words were "well have your bags ready but dont panic. nothing goes that quick. you'll have plenty of time honey!". so i continued to get ready. i wrapped eli and ethans birthday gifts. i had oddly enough packed my hospital bags the night before. and cristianos bag to go stay at my sisters house. so i put those in the car and had every intention of going to my brothers house. i started timing my contractions and they were about 7 minutes apart. so i called my drs answering service and he called me back immediately. i told him exactly what i was feeling and he said "sounds like we're gonna have a baby in the next day!". he told me to call him back in an hour and let him know how things were going. i was to call him sooner if they got closer together. within 15 minutes they were 3 minutes apart. i told luis we had to go. he of course wanted to smoke first. which was fine. UNTIL i had a contraction and i was screaming. we all got in the car. took cristiano to my dad and picked up my mom. when i left my moms house they were 30 seconds apart! mind you my mom lives 2 minutes from me, its not like we had to drive a while to get there. so we got on the freeway. with a 45 minute ride to the hospital. and contractions 30 seconds apart. my mom kept suggesting that we stop at the local hospital, but i refused. i wanted my dr. luis was going on average 90 mph. i was screaming and my poor mom was calling the dr and getting her hand broken! i arrived at the hospital at 7:15 and luis took me to the emergency room. they brought a wheelchair out for me. and i was gigantic at this point, they asked me why i was there. ummmm were they blind?!?! as im screaming that im already pushing, they stopped me at the admittance office and asked me my full name. i said alexandra lee silveira goncalves. and the lady had the nerve to ask me to spell that! ahahah. i oh so nicely told her i was a little busy. they took me up to the 3rd floor and put me in a room immediately. mind you i am still screaming that i need to push. the nurse checked me and told me that i was 10 centimeters and it was time to push. i was SCREAMING that this was not the plan. that i was having a c-section. she kindly informed me that this was now plan B. when the stirrups were placed on my bed i used them to push myself up the bed because i was so scared. for some reason they took those off quicker than they had put them on. lol. after continuously asking someone to get this child out of me (while ripping off my oxygen mask because i couldnt catch my breath being that the contractions were back to back) my dr looked me straight in the eye and said "listen xan. i am not getting this baby out. YOU are. now get serious. stop screaming. and push." tiago alexandre silveira goncalves was born at 7:30 on november 8, 2011. he was healthy as ever. and what an entrance he made! my full labor was 3 hours long start to finish!! and let me tell you, his coming into this world showed me exactly what his attitude would be. the first 3 months of tiagos life he screamed. was his delivery a sign of what was to come???

mommy and tiago about 3 minutes after he was born

how he spent the first 3 months of his life!

the births of my boys were ABSOLUTELY the best days of my life. 2 VERY different stories, and 2 VERY different kids!
so im still wondering if this was just my experience or if anyone else has seen this with their kids?!