Susie

After being a "single mom" for 10 days as Luis was checking off a trip on his "bucket list" (he had a blast on the cruise to Alaska by the way) I learned a LOT!! So many things that I could go on and on about. But one thing in particular keeps sticking out to me. And that one thing is my mom. Let me give you a little run down on what was going on and what exactly Susie (my awesome mom) did!

So my parents tried for 6 years (yes 6!!!) to have kids. And then they had all 4 of us within 5 years. So needless to say, their hands were full! My dad was farming in Mexico and was only coming home every other weekend. He did this for a few years, until he realized it wasn't worth it, and ended up just farming here locally. And you've all heard me say how my dad has achieved the American Dream. He has worked day in and day out to provide for us and to try to give us the absolute best life he could!
And while my dad was doing that, my mom was holding it down. She pretty much did it all on her own. She took care of the 4 of us (and my cousin Jake who is 2 months younger than me) on her own. We like never ate out...mainly because it wasn't in the budget....which means she was making home cooked meals every day. There was no such thing as social media. So she didn't have that to escape into once we were all in bed at night, and she wanted to zone out. This was still back when there weren't cell phones. So its not like she could chit chat with my dad for hours. She did admit not that long ago that she would play our nintendo sometimes once we were all asleep! lol!

During this time my mom also experienced the very sudden and unexpected death of her dad, and although my dad came home immediately, she still was holding it down until he got here. And all the while...I never remember my mom loosing her cool. She did this all like it was normal. She really is a rock star. Who doesn't get the recognition she deserves!

Yes, my dad has accomplished a lot in his life. But as he did that, my mom was standing right behind him. Raising their kids. Running his business. And keeping their household running. I hope my mom knows, that even if it may not be said enough, her hard work and love for all of us, has not gone unnoticed. I am very thankful, and I now have an even greater appreciation for what she has done!

my breast feeding story

i was recently asked to write my breast feeding story for the website of the breast feeding clinic i went to. i thought that i would share it here. enjoy...

I am Alexandra, a mother of 3, and a first time breast feeder. Like every birth, every child, and every experience, there are no two the same.  I had my first son the day after I turned 24.  It was new, and scary, and to be honest I don’t think anyone is ever really ready to be a parent. No matter how much you prepare yourself!  After a 24 hour labor and 3 hours of pushing I had a c-section.  I did not get to see Cristiano for a few hours and when I did get to see him, he was not really wanting to latch.  I was flustered (and not to mention exhausted) and I didn’t really have a lot of help, or advice, or any real direction on what to do.  I was pestered a bit about the baby “starving” if I didn’t hurry up and feed him.  Well that would be difficult with him not latching and me pretty much not having any milk.  So I decided to give him a bottle. And after that, he decided that was way easier! So why even try to latch on to mommy anymore? I was a little bothered. But honestly I don’t think it ever crossed my mind again after that day in the hospital. He was a formula fed baby and that is what we knew.

1 month short of 3 years later I was in the hospital again. Having a very scary and unplanned VBAC.  Tiago was born and was perfect. I did get to have skin to skin immediately and I do think that helped somehow. He latched on right away. He was a pro. And I couldn’t have been happier.  My milk supply though didn’t exactly want to work with me. And I’m sure that it didn’t help that Tiago was a colic baby. He cried pretty much all the time. So about 10 weeks in, I decided to switch to just formula (I had been supplementing). I was worried that maybe he was constantly crying because he was hungry.

Fast forward….and 5 days short of Tiago’s 2^nd birthday, Emilio was born. Because of insurance reasons Emilio was born at a different hospital than his brothers. I do think that the environment had a lot to do with it. I had decided during this pregnancy that I was going to give breast feeding all that I had. I wanted to do this. My sister and sister-in-law were both successful with all of their kids. And I wanted that. I wanted to make it work. Emilio latched and knew what he was doing!! What a joy that was. All I had to work on was building up my milk supply, try to keep him awake because all he wanted to do was sleep (he was 3 weeks early), raise a 2 and 5 year old and this brand new baby all while my husband didn’t get any time off, and run a household. No big deal. My older boys really wanted mommy home and although the baby was doing great nursing they said they would discharge me with the high recommendation that I made an appointment with the lactation clinic. So of course I did.

2 days after being released from the hospital I made the drive up to San Luis Obispo (we live in Orcutt). And to be honest on the way up there I was a little eh about the whole thing. I was considering cancelling the appointment last minute. But thank God I didn’t. I walked into that appointment that day and really knew the second I met Merrilee that this was going to work. She is exactly what I needed. I needed to be encouraged and told that I could do it (especially when I thought I couldn’t anymore). I went to the breast feeding clinic once a week for a while. Hung out, nursed Emilio, and did weigh ins. I felt great about it. I was super proud to be honest. I knew this is what my body was supposed to do, and FINALLY it was doing it!! It was a challenge always. I drank teas. I took vitamins. I drank more water than some small villages. Unfortunately for some the whole “supply and demand” thing is not always that easy.

I have made it 10.5 months and literally 3 days ago, Emilio has decided to wean himself. It was a sad day in our house. I honestly think my milk was just running out. When he started having solids more and more I knew this day would come. The more food he ate, the less milk I had. It’s been hard. For both of us. When he does decide to try and latch, and he gets nothing, I’m sure that’s frustrating for him. And I feel sad that I can’t provide that for him anymore. But to be honest 10.5 months is awesome. I didn’t think I was going to make it this far. My first goal was literally 2 weeks. I’ve come a long way! And it has been amazing!

 I also can’t tell you this without mentioning one last thing. Along the way I have also had help from a few people. My brother’s wife gave birth to my niece 2 months after Emilio was born. Her older boys are twins, and apparently her body was still producing for 2. She gave me her milk when she had extra. I would use hers to supplement for Emilio if I ever needed to. And I’ve never told people this, but a girl I went to high school with knew I had a supply issue (because I was very open about it) and reached out to me and offered me her extra milk. She was donating it to a hospital NICU and had gone thru all the testing for that already. The first time I picked milk up from her it was over 250 ounces. I cried when I got in the car. I couldn’t believe that someone would do this for me. To have to pump and go thru all that extra work for someone else’s child is an absolutely selfless act. I really believe we have taken the saying “it takes a village to raise a child” to a whole new level!

I’ve loved this experience, the good, the bad, and the indifferent. It really has been a huge part of mine and Emilio’s story. I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m hoping that if I’m lucky enough to have more kids, I will get to breast feed again. And what a bonus if it comes a little easier next time!?

the silent judgement on birthing stories!

its been a while since ive had the time to do this. being a mom of 3 is no joke! busy busy busy!!
ive been thinking a lot lately about the judgement that moms put on other moms. a HUGE issue that people like to comment about is peoples birthing plans. i thought...after having pretty much every type of birth with the boys that maybe i could slightly shed some light on this topic and maybe put things into perspective for people. so before i say anything else i think it should be known that i had a 24 hour labor, with 3 hours of pushing, an epidural on hour 7, and ending with a c section with cristiano. with tiago i had a planned c section and 10 days before that he came. and he came quick. 4 hours total. and he arrived 15 minutes or so after i got to the hospital. an unexpected and unplanned drug free vbac. and then there was emilios birth. i started contracting at 32 weeks. was opting to not have a vbac because of the risks, and finally at 37 weeks we went in for a very controlled and calm c section.
what really pisses me off (for lack of better words) is when someone finds the need, or right, to put in their 2 cents. so someone wants to get drugs practically when they find out they are pregnant, who cares? people plan on doing vbacs and it goes off without a bump in the road. awesome! some people do it drug free from the get go and can stick to their original plan. lucky! some people have a plan and once it gets going its not going to be possible. frustrating! my issue is why do we feel like we have the right to look down on someone for what they choose to do. obviously all of us have the same goal at the end: to get our baby here and healthy. whatever way that may be.
to be honest i was that person at one time. on hour 2 of pushing with cristiano my dr said he would give me another hour to try. cristiano was crowning at every push. and he would go all the way back in when i stopped. when the dr came back in to tell me i had to have a c section because i was putting the baby under stress i felt like a failure. my sister (who allowed me to be in the room with all of her childrens births) gives birth like its an olympic sport. and she gets the gold every time! lol. my sister in law...pushed out TWINS!! and here i was, not able to have my baby the way i wanted. i cried. but i knew that my goal was to have him healthy. and so a c section it was.
even with emilios birth, i had TONS of people questioning why i wasnt doing a vbac. saying i had already done one. why not do it again. to be honest...i didnt have time to be scared of my vbac the first time. he was coming out no matter what. but this go around luis and i discussed it and we were not willing to take that risk of my incision rupturing and possibly killing the baby and/or me. yes the odds of that are low. but not unheard of. and that scared me. i did not feel like i would be able to give it a good run, if i had that in the back of my mind the whole time.
the whole point to all of this is, people are doing what they can, and what they feel is best. dont judge. there are pros and cons to every single situation. we cant hold it against someone if their list is different than ours.

whats real about MY pregnancy

where oh where do i begin?! this is my third pregnancy and i seem to still not have figured it all out! lol! will i ever?? every single one of them has been different from the previous! i know that life has changed, and that of course has a lot to do with it.
with cristiano i could nap whenever i wanted, and do whatever i wanted. i had no other kids and got to think simply of myself. if i wanted to sleep in, there was no one there to wake me up, so sleep in is what i did! then came my pregnancy with tiago. i had at that point a 2.5 year old. who was super easy! ano would just go with the flow. if i wanted to rest he was good with just entertaining himself and playing on the living room floor as i laid on the couch. it was harder than my first pregnancy, but i wouldnt exactly explain it as hard. and then there is emilios pregnancy. totally different story. these pregnancies have started to take a toll on my body. my back hurts WAY more than it ever has. my dr says its from the pull of my body trying to balance out my stomach and that it will continuously get worse with the more kids i have. im also chasing after kids. tiago is a very busy little boy! and im seriously pulling him and cristiano apart constantly.
the fact that luis has gotten a new job and no longer has his old 8-5 schedule is very trying at times. i sometimes feel like im a single parent, for the simple fact that luis is not there. when he is...he is one of the most hands on dads i have ever met. which makes his absence even harder!
ive heard peoples comments about how i "always look put together". well if i could be honest (because thats all i can be at this point) sometimes i feel like the way i present myself is the only thing i have control over anymore. lol! when your big and the simplest things like finding an outfit that covers your stomach become daily struggles, sometimes blowing out and styling your hair, putting your eyelashes on, and being presentable, is just enough to help you make it thru the day.
ive heard people complain about being pregnant and seriously...thats an easy thing to do sometimes. but whats the point? you have to stop and realize what it is that you are doing. growing a child is clearly not an easy job. and to be totally honest...it doesnt get easier when the baby comes out. thats for sure! when i want to bitch and complain at times, i remind myself of the people who would give an arm or a leg to be in my position. when we were trying to have tiago, i remember saying how i would gladly have an aching back, or morning sickness, or a few more stretch marks to have a baby. and now here i am. with all of the above. how dare i complain about it!?
although i have already started having braxton hicks...and being pregnant isnt exactly a walk in the park this time around, i pray everyday that little emilio stays in there. i want a healthy baby! that after 3 days of staying in the hospital will get to be discharged with me and go home. whether or not this is my last pregnancy, or my next to last, or hell...if im only half way done (joking! lol) i am trying to soak it up. no matter how many kids you have, when you hold your baby for the first time, each experience is different and life changing. with my first two i know that when i held them for the first time, it was worth EVERY SINGLE bad thing i went thru. and every day still is. when cristiano wakes up in the morning and wants to nuzzle, it never crosses my mind that i went thru 24 hours of labor and had a c section with weeks of recovery to get him. when tiago screams mae mae (mommy in portuguese) for me to be the one to put him to sleep, i never think how he made me sick for 3 months straight, and forced me to have a very scary vbac. i think about how i am LUCKY. i have been BLESSED. and God thinks im good enough to be given this.

life is too short.

a conversation the other day with a friend had me thinking hours after the conversation had ended. angie among some other stylists and myself helped cut hair at the high school i graduated from, for a locks of love event. as we were driving out of the parking lot angie asked if i had had a high school boyfriend. i laughed and said "oh yeah. one i thought i was gonna marry." we both chuckled cause how many girls are 16, date a guy for a few years, and of course think you'll be together forever? im not the only one right? so i kinda told her our little story and i heard one of hers.
i told her about a specific event that changed my outlook on all past friends, or ex boyfriends in my life. before i dated luis (for the .5 seconds before we got married lol) i had briefly dated a guy who i had known pretty much my whole life. his family and my family went back for generations. we dated for a while, and he ended up getting back together with a girl he had dated before me. she pretty much hated me, to be totally honest, and so he and i never spoke again. when i was pregnant with cristiano i got the news that he had died in his sleep. i was so sad...for so many reasons. he was obviously way too young to die. i felt horrible for his family. no parent should ever have to burry a child. and i was also sad that when he died...we were not on the best of terms.
i then thought that maybe i should clear up some things with people in my past who i had not left things very well with! i emailed my high school boyfriend, and the guy i had dated after him for a couple years. it was short and sweet. i was not looking for a friendship by any means. i let them know what had happened and why i was emailing them. that i was sorry for anything that i had done that wasnt right. and that i wished them the best in whatever they had going on.
my high school boyfriend emailed me back and snapped. apparently 5 years after our break up was just not enough for him. the other guy emailed me back the nicest things. said he had heard i was having a baby and he wished me luck and knew i would be a good mom.
this is what it made me learn...that life is too short. dont waste it holding a grudge. because usually when you do, you are the only person you are hurting. ive learned to be grateful for the people who have passed thru my life, for they have helped me become who i am today. if my high school boyfriend hadnt broken my heart, or if the next one hadnt made me realize how important my culture was and that i needed someone who was on board with that, would i be able to love luis the way i do?!?!? i dont know. and i dont want to know.
i am who i am because of my life experiences. good, bad, and everything in between.

oh hey summer...you're right around the corner!

i know i know!!! its only march. but i feel like summer is juuuust around the corner. and this year, i wouldnt mind if it took a while to get here. yes i do love the weather, and ive always been more of a flip flop girl than anything closed toe. but this summer is going to be so different for us, that im not exactly looking forward to it!
i have been to pico so many times with my family. and since i have had cristiano we have gone every year. i love being able to go there and see all of our family and friends, and for luis' parents to see their grandkids. cristiano is 4 and we have been 4 times. but this year is different. this year we will not be traveling back to luis' hometown.
although there are a few reasons as to why we will not be making the trip this year...the main one is how expensive it can get! yes...we are lucky enough to pretty much be taken care of once we are there. but do you know how much it costs to get there?!? last year we paid almost $6,000. and that was with tiago sitting on my lap!! and by the time we go again he will be over 2 years old and be paying full price! its crazy how they can jack up the prices...because SATA is the only airline that flies into the Azores. so unless you want to row yourself over there in a boat...they are your only option!!
i know that this summer will be fun no matter what we do. we plan on maybe camping or taking the kids to sea world. but i will of course be missing my pico! a few weeks ago cristiano told me how much he missed me parents when they were in china. and i told him "oh ano they were only gone a week. when they go to pico this summer they will be gone a lot longer." and he replies "yes mommy they will but we just go with them right?!". after i explained to him that we were not going to be able to go this year he started to cry. and between sobs was telling me how his avo pico (luis' dad) hasnt seen him since hes been 4 and that he bets he misses him and needs to see him! it broke my heart!
i know for a fact that my in laws miss us all, especially my kids. but i also know that we will be able to go back there again. hopefully sooner than later! and as for this summer....we will make new memories, enjoy each other, and make the best of what we are still able to do!

whos body is this?!?

first off i cant believe im writing this! but what the hell?!? ive put everything else out there!
i often find myself looking in the mirror and asking...whos body is this that im living in!?!? and on monday night at our weekly girls night the topic of our bodies came up (as it often does). i have 4 very close and awesome friends ( we refer to ourselves as the fab 5...for obvious reasons) and although we are all so different (personality and body type alike) we all realized that we have room for improvment in our own way.
so tuesday started a new day for me! im gonna work on this body. im going to exercise and eat healthy. i deserve to. my kids deserve to have a healthy mom. luis deserves to have a wife who is happy with herself...which leads to being an all around better person.

this is what i want to look/feel like. us in 2007. i will get back to this!

although i do believe that after you have kids  the lbs are harder to shed...i dont want to use that as an excuse! luis and i would love to have more children, and im admitting it....im afraid to gain more and more weight with each pregnancy and its only going to get harder and harder to loose. so what better time than now?! and what better group to be doing it with!?