the ugliest word I've ever heard

it was right after tiago had been born...and i was both exhausted and on cloud 9. i vaguely remember my sister b telling me that my mom thought she had a bug bite on her back. b checked it for her and said she didnt see anything but that she definitely felt a bump. it was the day before thanksgiving and my mom had found 2 more bumps right in the middle of her abdomen. she called the dr and got an appt that day. her dr decided to make an appt for the monday after to do a biopsy on the larger bump on her back. so she did that on monday and by that time she had about 9 all over her torso. we waited and waited and waited for the results.

december 7, 2011 is a day i will never forget. it was like a day in history. when you remember exactly where you were and what you were doing when you hear any horrible news. i was late to work (punctuality has never been my strong point) and when i pulled up to the office i saw that only b's car was there, which i thought was weird. my mom always got to work before me. so when i walked in, carrying my whole house and home practically, i was surprised to see my mom sitting at her desk. i immediately asked her where her car was and she so calmy replied that my dad had brought her to work that day. i knew right away what she was going to say, yet i still asked why. and she said that her dr had called and told her that she in fact had CANCER. such an ugly word. lymphoma cancer. something i didnt know much about. of course its only human to automatically think the worst.  i started crying uncontrollably. asking why she hadnt called me at home. and of course she was thinking of me and didnt want to tell me over the phone when i was home alone with my small children. i cried that day, more than i have ever cried before. i was scared. i couldn not imagine something happening to my mom. i could not imagine her not being there to watch my kids grow up. i could not imagine my dad not having her. i couldnt imagine this world with her not in it.

hanging out and kicking cancers ass!

i decided right away that i wanted to be at every dr appt. and i have been. and at every chemo. i like knowing what is going on. i like to hear it for myself. i didnt want my parents to sugar coat it for us. at her first appt the dr could feel lumps all over her body. places that my mom hadnt found them yet. that scared all of us.

dr appointments became a family event some days

on our way home after getting her "day after chemo" shot

waiting to have blood drawn

she started chemo on december 29th. and on january 1st we celebrated cristianos 3rd birthday. my mom couldnt make it. that was the first time i really realized that things were different. it was hard for me to be celebrating such a joyous day when inside all of us were so sad.

january 2012

my parents have been married for 38 yrs. they were the kind of parents that didnt fight in front of us. i have always known that they've loved each other, but this sickness has made it more apparent than ever before. my dad became the bodyguard. i could see on a daily basis that this was also taking a toll on him. i vividly remember the first time her numbers crashed and she was at risk for getting sick. i called my dad and we cried on the phone for a while. and before we hung up he told me "we have to be strong xandra. mommy need us to be strong. we pray. and have faith she be ok." i think i cried even more when we hung up just because of what he said.

april 2012

 the love that i have seen between my mom and her mom has changed my whole outlook on life. my grandma turned 85 this january. and it amazes me how she has had to watch her daughter go thru all of this and continues to be so strong. my grandma lives on my parents property, she has made it a point to make my mom breakfast and lunch everyday. and on the nights that us girls have not made her dinner, my nana has been there making meals. she has never missed a chemo treatment, and tries to make them as enjoyable as possible. she shows up there every 3 weeks with her huge scrabble box and sets it up for them to play. she was actually the first person that my mom had told. when my mom got the dreadful phone call on december 7th she was home alone. she knew my grandma was home and would be there the quickest. i later heard that she came over immediately and my mom laid on her lap and cried. this relationship has showed me that no matter how old your baby gets, they will always be your baby.

just another day at chemo playing scrabble. my mom, her best friend, and my nana!

the day came that we all knew was coming...her hair started to fall out. one of my best friends is also fighting the fight against cancer and i remember shaving her head. and her saying it was easier seeing little hair fall out than her normal long hair. so i suggested to my mom that we buzz hers before she just had strings left. so on january 16 my mom and i shut the door to my little salon room at our office and i cut her hair. we had fun. she had a mullet and then i did a cul-de-sac old man cut. it was fun. there were no tears. it was also encouraging for her i think, that my brother paul, my husband luis, my cousin jake, and my brother in law brian, all shaved their heads. it was such a showing of support. she has hated the wig since day 1 and has decided not to wear it. she rocks her scarfs and little hats every day. she has you-tubed videos on new ways to tie her scarfs etc. i think she looks more beautiful than ever. she even sports the bald head at home too. she was worried about our kids being nervous seeing her bald. they could have cared less. they just told her that she looked like my dad now! lol.

my gorgeous bald mom

my mom and my brother sporting the same hair

luis showing his support for his sogra

between her 2nd and 3rd treatment she had a PET scan. when she went to her regular appt before her chemo, her dr told her that when they had found the cancer it was already stage 4.she showed her a copy and told her that whatever was black was cancer. and the entire thing was covered. and she then showed her the results of her PET scan and said whatever is black is cancer. and there was no black on that scan. we of course all broke down as soon as we heard the news. this was such amazing news. she still wanted my mom to finish all of her treatments. she still had the disease but all of her lumps were gone. it was safest to finish what they had originally planned. which was 6 chemo treatments total. 1 every 3 weeks.

myself, my mom, and my sister angela...last day of chemo!!!

today i sat there with my mom as she had her last (hopefully ever) chemo. when i got in the car i cried like a baby. i am so happy for her. it is a miracle in my eyes. how can things like this happen and people still wonder if there is a God?!

the amazing support from our friends and family with emails, texts, phone calls, cards and prayers has almost been overwhelming! i could not thank everyone enough for all of that. i truly believe that this had something to do with my moms great outcome. we always joke that we are ok with it until someone says something nice. even the littlest words like "i am praying for your mom" or "ive been thinking about you guys and hope all is going well". the people you surround yourself with really does make a difference!
this ugly word CANCER has taught me so many things. cristiano prays now every single night. to keep us all safe and let us all be healthy again. when i told him his avo was better and didnt have to take that medicine that makes her hair fall out anymore, he asked if it was because he prayed for her. i was so happy to hear him say this. i simply said yes. even on days that seem like nothing goes right, i thank God. that i have been given this day, and that my mom is still here with us. there have been hard days. its hard to explain to the kids why they cant see avo because their nose is running and they are coughing. its hard to see my mom weak and want to sleep all the time. its hard to see my dad watch the love of his life go thru this. but good Lord, its almost over. she will probably get sick from todays chemo, but in a few weeks we should be well on our way to having our normal mom back. i can hardly wait for that.

Easter sunday. how beautiful is she?!?

cristiano with his avo